I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
