He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
