No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
