I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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