Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
