The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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