If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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