my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
