I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize