The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
