you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
