You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
