Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
