im about as happy as oj after his trial
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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