my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
