were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
