Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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