I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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