anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
