is your mom at the bar?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
