she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
