He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
