I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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