Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
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