you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
