So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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