I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dick very happy bro
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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