Sry I called you an 8
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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