I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
