so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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