This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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