Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
