can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize