my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
