We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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