Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
