Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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