buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
