the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
