I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
