Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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