this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
