If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
