i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
