I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
