ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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