I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
