Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize