I must be too annoying 4 u.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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