I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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