Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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