Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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