chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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