dude i'm inner monologue high
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
