I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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