Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
