apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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