I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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