Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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