just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I wear drunk well.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
