literally had 100 drinks last night.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
