i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
soo... how was my night?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
