He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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